Amy's Diary
by Bryon Nightshade
Summary: A now-adult Amy sets her sights on Sonic once again. Not your typical SonAmy, and a reminder that love isn't all hearts and joy.
1. Part One

Preface: I wrote this story out of sheer frustration. I'd like to make on thing perfectly clear beforehand: I hate Amy Rose.

That is, I hate how she has developed—or rather, how she has not developed. Her primary function has always been insta-hostage. In Sonic Adventure she took a shocking step towards self-sufficiency, but then took a large step backwards in SA2. She was more of a wimp than ever, and even grew dumber (she couldn't tell the difference between Sonic and Shadow at a distance of thirty inches). In Sonic Heroes she re-developed some of her butt-kicking skills but was as shallow (or shallower!) than ever. Sadly, the majority of fanfiction writers are content to leave her woefully underdeveloped and pitiful.

I couldn't stand it. If I'm going to have to put up with Amy Rose (and the people who say that Amy and Sonic are a match) then she's gonna have to be something more than the whining insta-hostage! (I have no intention of rekindling the perennial Sally/Amy flame war, but I'll simply make clear my pro-Sally stance.)

So I wrote this story mainly because I was sick and tired of how worthless a character Amy really was. I wanted so badly for her to matter, to do something to justify her existence; and since no one was doing that, I took it upon myself. It became something of a challenge for me: if you can (logically) make AMY a sympathetic character, you can do anything.

Leather-bound Confessional

Hello, diary! I've decided to keep you as a memoir of my new adulthood. You see, Sonic said he'd never date me until I grew up, and today is my eighteenth birthday. That makes me an adult, and finally able to date him!

Well, I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Amy Rose. I'm a pink hedgehog, which is unusual, but for the most part I'm pretty ordinary. Not like Sonic. He's anything but ordinary. Even if I didn't love him wildly, that would be true.

Since so much of this is about Sonic, I should tell you about him. Sonic is a blue hedgehog, and he's twenty-two now. If I had to say one thing about him, it would be that boy, he can run! Most people can run, but no one runs like Sonic. If you ever see him outrunning robots, dodging all sorts of firepower, smashing his own paths through anything in his way, let me tell you, you sure don't forget it! It's like nothing else in the world. He's the blue blur, he lives for speed. There's no way to describe how he does the things he does. He's very brave and strong and honest and soooo cute!

[Hearts written in margins]

SonAmy4ever!

I must sound like a ditzy schoolgirl. Now come on, can you really blame me? Sonic rescued me when I was twelve, and I've loved him ever since. It's been six years now, and I feel the same way. And can you honestly say that you've been able to think clearly when it came to someone you loved? Well, you can't, of course, you're a diary, but if you were a person I'm sure you couldn't say that.

I guess I should bring you up to speed. When I was twelve, Sonic had a bunch of great battles with Robotnik. (Yes, we called him Eggman to make fun of him, but he's not going to read this, so I might as well use his real name.) As a result, Sonic got rich and famous quickly. He did the smart thing and gave most of the money to Tails, his best friend and kind-of adopted brother; Tails used the money to start some businesses of his own. Sonic, of course, never worked a day in his life; once his celebrity started to cool down, he went back to being a lazy guy. He hangs out at the swimming pools and beaches of the area, he plays with Tails, he goes around and makes the most of his celebrity.

Sonic has two homes. He has an apartment in Station Square, and he also lives with Tails at their old workshop. Aside from that, he goes wherever his feet take him.

He tries to live large, but it doesn't suit him. When it comes down to it, he's just a guy who doesn't want to work—just have fun. I guess that's something I like about him. He doesn't have a worry or care in the world. I mean, he is responsible in that he wants to make sure nothing really bad happens. He's not a crime-fighter, but you can count on him to make his presence felt whenever something big is on the horizon—like when Robotnik tries to come back, or when there's a big war looming.

Oh, gosh, I can't stop thinking about him! I'm sorry, diary, that you have to listen to me rant about Sonic, but I've really made my life all about him!

I have the apartment next to Sonic's. He didn't want us living together, but he sure wasn't going to clean up after himself and, as he said, "There's no one else I trust with my stuff." So he gave me an extra key and rented the next apartment for me and told me to take care of his apartment while he's away.

In all honesty, it's a steal for me. He really doesn't have that much stuff, and although what stuff he has he doesn't try to clean (it's almost like he tries to make it messy) it's no big deal for me to manage it all.

So I make sure there's always food in the refrigerator and clean socks and gloves and at least two extra pairs of shoes always available. I wash his sheets and tidy up after him.

But there's another reason I love to go into his apartment. He has a presence there. Even when he's not there, the feeling of Sonic is everywhere. It's a place he doesn't let anyone else go, so even though I'm not there when he is, it's like our private place. It's a bit of Sonic that he gives me that he won't show anyone else, and I treasure it beyond reason. In a way, that's the closest I get to him.

Yes, I've followed him for years, but he always came up with reasons to dismiss me. Well, he's out of reasons now. I've waited patiently for him, and my time has come!

Tomorrow I'm going to ask him out, and I'm not gonna give up until he says yes. See you then!

2nd Entry

He said yes!

He said yes, he said yes, he said yes, he said yes!

I'm giddy. Can you tell?

I knew he was in his apartment, and I heard him playing a video game so I knew he was awake, so I knocked on his door. I told him that I'd turned eighteen, and he congratulated me, and then I said, "So will you go out with me now?"

Well, of course he said no at first (you know how he is) but after a few minutes he gave me a big smile and said, "I've been waiting a while for this," and said yes!

Oh, I feel so fluttery inside. It's amazing I can sit still and tell all of this to you, I feel like I've got springs in every part of me.

Okay. So I realize that all he did was agree to go out with me, once. But I've got six years of waiting wound up inside me, and it's all ready to burst out of me.

I was so flustered when he said yes, I forgot all about where I'd wanted to go out. When he asked me that, all I could say was, "Where do you want to go?"

Anyway, the result is that we're going to see some movie. I can hardly contain myself! I'm gonna have to go dance or something—I have too much energy!

Well, I'm back (I love it how patient you are, diary!), and I'm feeling better. I went out to the park and danced and twirled until I tired myself out.

I first got into dancing back when I was obsessed with making everything pink. I've gotten a little older and more mature (now I like different shades of red and white, too), but I still like to dance. I had some lessons, and they really got me started, but I never wanted to dance as a job. I wanted to dance because I love to dance. I use the things they taught me, of course, but it's all just for me, and I like that.

Like I said, I went into the park and started dancing. Some people stared at me, and a few made fun of me, but I didn't mind at all. I mean, it is unusual to see a pink hedgehog go dancing through the park, I'd be silly not to know that. But you know what? They must lead sad lives if they don't have anyone who makes them want to dance like that.

So today has been a good day. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I don't have the overflowing energy I had before, just a sense of warm satisfaction that's spread from the top of my quills to the tips of my toes.

I'll be sure to tell you how everything goes, okay, diary? Okay.

3rd Entry

Well, that didn't go quite as planned, but I suppose it was still…

Oh, you're the person I'm supposed to be honest with! Alright, try this again.

Tonight was a disaster.

First off, he paid for nothing. The entire time. Okay, he bought his own ticket, but that was it. I bought popcorn for both of us. My plan was that we would eat the popcorn and get thirsty, and I would say to him, "I'm sure thirsty." Then he'd buy us some soda, and I would thank him sooo graciously and tell him how generous and caring he was.

The plan fell apart right at the "we would eat the popcorn" part.

Maybe I'm being unfair. He did follow his part and eat his popcorn. But he followed his part a little too well. He ate all his popcorn, and most of my popcorn. Now don't think that I'll begrudge him a little popcorn, but he took it without even asking, so I never got the chance to say "Sure, Sonic, I'd love for you to have some of my popcorn!" or something sweet like that. So I think to myself, "It's no big deal, the plan can still work." So I say to him, "I'm sure thirsty."

He grunted. Like I was supposed to know what that grunt meant in English.

So I tried again. "I'm really thirsty," I said, in my best "pleading puppy" voice.

And he said to me, "There's a water fountain near the bathroom."

But I didn't give up, oh no. (Now that I think about it, if I'd given up there, it would have been better. But nooo…) Instead I said, "But I want some soda."

To which he said, "There's at least six concession stands in this theater."

"But I want you to get me a soda," I said, and that was my last mistake.

"I'm not getting you a soda," he said rudely. At that point at least four people made very loud shushing noises, which meant that neither of us said anything for the rest of the movie. And if you've ever been in a situation where ill-will was hanging in the air but no one could speak, you know that even when the movie was over we still couldn't talk to each other.

I know you could guess this, but he didn't walk me home, either. He abandoned me at the movie theater, and ran home, so of course I had no chance of catching him to try and talk to him again. I had to take a cab, and when I got back to my apartment there was loud music coming from his. You know, "go away"-type music. I can even hear the stuff now! So I'm going to have to wait… I don't know how long until I see him again.

I, myself, am willing to let what happened tonight slide. I have no idea how he'll take it, and that's what worries me.

And, just to add insult to injury, the movie stunk.

4th entry

Sonic's been away for a few days, so I've had some time to think about everything. That's kind of good, but it's given me some trouble, too.

I have, of course, continued to clean up after him. I visit his home on a daily basis. Yes, I know what you're thinking… if he hasn't been to his apartment for several days, what's the point of keeping on going there? It's just that I want so much to be near him. Like I said before, when I'm there, I feel everything related to Sonic all around me. It's a feeling of being close to him in a way unique to me, just me. It's the feeling that I wish I could get from the actual Sonic.

I went on a walk yesterday, through the same park that I danced through when Sonic agreed to go on that date with me. When I thought about that, it occurred to me just how much of my life revolves around Sonic. I mean, I identify some things based upon their relationship to Sonic. I do have a few friends other than Sonic—but those are all people that Sonic himself knows, like Tails. I wouldn't know them if I didn't know Sonic.

I kinda-sorta feel like I should have more of my own life—but that goes against the very thing I'm trying to do! I mean, if I'm trying to make Sonic and myself come together and be a couple—isn't the point of that to reduce the differences between our lives and create a new, joint life?

Okay, so we aren't a couple yet, I'll admit, but still…

Right now I'm feeling this strange mixture of disappointment and longing. I'm disappointed with both of us, really. I know it would have been unrealistic to imagine us getting really close on the first date, but I actually feel farther apart from him now than I did before we went on the date. That, in turn, increases my longing, the emptiness I feel without him.

Oh, this is awful! I'm supposed to be keeping a diary so that I'll be able to say and write the things I'd have trouble saying or writing elsewhere. But now that I write it, I realize how… how… _simple_ I must sound. I mean, what am I, really? A pink furball who follows Sonic all the time. I can only define myself in terms of Sonic.

And then, when I try to think about that as a problem, I keep telling myself that that's how I want it…

Can you see now why having so much time to think has been a bad thing? It almost makes me wish for the old days, when our lives were so crazy I didn't have the time for reflection. That's an intolerably selfish thing to think, I know, because the days of Robotnik caused a lot of suffering to a lot of people. But still, at least whenever Robotnik took me hostage Sonic saved me, and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Why? Because he was so near, and it was so easy for me to tell myself he was rescuing me because he cared for me.

You know, that's weird too. I've been thinking about that a lot recently—did he rescue me because I was a hostage, or did he rescue me because I am me? I've started to realize how often I've projected what I want Sonic to be into his actions—I'm trying to say that I've interpreted him to suit me. I realize that, after all this time.

But realizing that is a problem itself, since now I have to wonder—are all the things I've thought about Sonic true, or are they simply my fantasies? What does he truly think? And trust me, after I've devoted so much of my life to him, not knowing what he thinks is a very scary dilemma.

What I feel now more than ever is desperation for him to return, if for no other reason than to break up my thoughts! It seems like I work better—or at least relate to Sonic better—if I act with my heart instead of my head. I know, that's one reason I keep getting into trouble, but at least then I feel good; right now I feel like my mind is strangling me. I'm scared that if I keep on thinking like this, I'll lose…

… well, I'm not quite sure. But I can't stand it.

5th Entry

What a relief!

Sonic finally came back this afternoon—and be sure to get this right, HE came to ME to apologize for how badly our date went. Yes, I'm shocked too, but extremely grateful.

I heard the knock on my door and answered. It was Sonic. "Thanks for keeping my room clean," he said.

"It's nothing, really," I said, kind of looking away.

He moved his head to catch my eye even as I looked away. I turned back to him, and he said, "I'm sorry for being such a jerk at the movie theater."

Well, you know me, my brain shorted out right about then. I managed to stammer out some thanks to him.

"So, I thought I'd give this a second shot. How 'bout we go to another movie together?"

I thought I might explode when he said that! But somehow, some part of my brain that was still working took over while I stood in shock. That part of me said, "Sure, but let's go to a different movie this time."

"Why?" he said, confused.

"Because that last one was awful!"

We had an argument, but it was a for-fun argument, a between-friends argument. And as we argued and laughed, I kept on struggling to understand that this was really happening.

It's been about an hour now, and I'm pretty sure that it was all real. So that means I have a date for tomorrow night. With any luck, it'll go better than the last one!

But do you know what else this means, diary? It means that Sonic gave a thought to me! He cared enough about what happened to apologize and try again! That's definitely a positive. Maybe I have half a chance, after all.

Do I feel great or what?! It's not just that I feel good about what Sonic did. It's also that I'd been dealing with the weight of uncertainty. It's like a black cloud was following me wherever I went, suffocating me and darkening my mood. Now that it's gone, I feel so much better just by default.

I've got a new chance. After I got so depressed last time, I'll be a little more cautious this time. We'll just see how it goes.


	2. Part Two

Entry 6

            What a weird week it was! All sorts of ups and downs, the kind of week that leaves you dizzy and happy you survived.

            First things first: Sonic stood me up. Oh, I was furious! I waited for him at the theater but he never showed. I had even dropped by his room on my way to the theater, but he was nowhere to be found. I'd just sat down to write to you, diary (and I'm sure I would have said some dreadful things) when he knocked on the door to my room. He said that he felt really bad, that he'd just plain forgotten and he was so sorry we'd missed.

            It made me feel terrible seeing him like that. Sonic apologizing is like a hippo tap-dancing, it's just not made to do it and it certainly isn't graceful! So I forgave him in a hurry, he was making me uncomfortable. He thanked me and promised to make it up to me.

            We talked a while after that. It was fun, helped to hide my confusion.

            I believed him about his being forgetful. It only makes sense, really. He just doesn't value me that much, like the CD you liked enough to buy but not enough to play. He acts out liking me without actually liking me.

            But if that's true, then why-oh-why did he treat me so nicely the next night?

            He arrived with flowers—"Roses for a Rose," he said—and left me with a smile and a hug and a warm feeling that wouldn't go away, not that I wanted it to. The kind of feeling that isn't 'good' exactly, but that sucks up your attention and won't let you sit still.

            I don't even remember what the date was.

            Hold on a minute, diary. Just thinking about it is making me squirm.

            It was so unusual for him to do things for me. I spent all this time chasing him that when he turned to me I got whiplash. Far be it for me to complain, though!

            Still, something feels strange. Was he just making up for standing me up, or did he feel something more? It's so hard to tell. I'm finally beginning to understand something. When I was younger I didn't care what he actually felt. I wanted him, and if I could chain him to me through marriage, then he wouldn't get away. He'd be mine!

            I'm starting to grow up about a few things. I still think that a straight-out marriage would be the best thing, the safest thing, but I'm starting to realize that other people's feelings matter. I'm also getting smart enough to know that I don't understand Sonic's feelings.

            I wish I did. It would mean everything to me.

            I hate not knowing.

            That's why it's taken so long for me to get back to you. I had to spend time sorting out my thoughts and feelings.

            Oh, gosh, I'm so embarrassed! When I put it that way, it makes it sound like I have an answer. I don't, I really don't.

            My only answer right now is that I'm a girl. Not an especially smart or fast girl, but one with a lot of love. I only hope I can get Sonic to see it.

Entry 7

            …Sigh…

            I wonder if it's polite to sigh like this to you, diary. I'm sighing in real life, it's not just a stylistic something-or-other. It's how I feel.

            Sigh…

            We had another date, and he hugged me again, and I wrapped my arms around him… we held each other so tightly…

            And then he was gone.

            It was so sudden he was out of sight before I knew he was out of my arms. Like cotton candy, he'd vanished before I could really…

[Doodles in margins, appear to be tears]

            Two days now, and a part of me is missing. Just when it was starting to get good…

            Sure, I miss him (can you tell?), but what I had has been enough for me to walk on air. I've been twirling and ambling, leaping and skipping for two days now. It's still not enough. I need more.

            He made me feel so alive when he held me. It's not like I was full of energy, it's not that "chemistry" thing you hear people talk about but never explain. It's just that, when he touched me, I felt every part of me. I was glad for everything that I am. I was happy that I had all of me, that my entire self was there to experience Sonic. Just being there was enough to make me feel like my life was a good one.

            I would do anything to feel that again! I feel the hole in me, the place he should be. It's no different from your stomach, the way you feel when you're empty or full. You know when something's not there and should be, you feel good when you get it there. He left me full, and I'm empty now.

            I'm careening between…. Feeling good with what he's left me, and feeling desperate for more.

            I hope he comes back soon.

Entry 8

            He came back and… and…

            And it was weird.

            But I feel closer to him now, so I'll deal with it.

            Today's Thursday; he came back on Tuesday. I heard him coming and went to him immediately. He was just how I like him! He was covered in dust, which bothered me, but his eyes! They glowed and danced like there were fireflies inside. He was at his best, every part of him animated and energetic. He told me (poorly; he spoke so fast I struggled to keep up) he'd been out running. He was kinda-sorta looking for Robotnik, but mostly it was just for fun.

            I didn't talk much. I didn't have much to say and I had no chances to say it. Don't think I minded. Even a talkative girl like me knows when to shut up. So I shut up and basked in the glory my Sonic radiated.

            I've felt happier, but not often and not by much.

            He was so alive, so full of being Sonic that…

            That…

            One of the reasons I chased Sonic, even though I had better chances of catching the wind, was to see him like that. I got to see him run and be in motion, so even though he was running from me, I got to feel like I was making him happy. I was probably wrong; his trying to get away from me probably canceled his joy at running. But I clung to straws.

            Now, he doesn't mind me. Running makes him feel good whether I'm there or not. I can't see how it's a bad thing.

            The next day was stranger. I'd left him on Tuesday without arranging anything else. I didn't want to leave things at that, so I went back on Wednesday.

            I've never seen Sonic so… pitiful!  
            It was heartbreaking. He was still as dirty as the day before. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, he clearly hadn't slept. His hands were twitching.

            "Sonic?" I said. He didn't respond. "Sonic?" I repeated.

            His head and ears swiveled to me but his eyes didn't focus. He stared past me. "'Zat you, Amy?" he said dully.

            "Yes, Sonic," I said, sober instantly. "Did I tell you 'bout how I ripped the Green Hills yesterday?"

            He had told me—except that he'd ripped the hills two days before.

            He reached out his paw and grabbed weakly, trying to catch something just beyond his fingertips. Then he let his arm go slack, a dull thud coming as his hand dropped. "Heh," he said, "I did? Well, get out, then."

            "What?" I said, blinking. "Sonic…"

            "Get out!" he shouted. "I gotta headache."

            "But why?"

            "I'm tired!" he shouted. "Go away. I need some sleep."

            I turned away from him and headed for the door. As I got there, he said, "Not done running. Haven't found it yet. Gotta find… gotta keep running…"

            I shut the door and rushed away from him.

            It was so… what's the word? Scary? Sad? Depressing? All of these at once, and more I can't describe. All I know for sure is that I wanted out of there. I couldn't deal with it.

            Even now, I can't make heads or tails out of what I saw. I've never seen Sonic like that before. I've always seen him going strong, full of life—like he was on Tuesday, not like he was on Wednesday.

            I wish you could answer me, dairy. I'm so confused. Should I go back? What could I say to him? I don't even know what he'll be like!

            One thing I know, though. No one else has seen him like that before. I'm the first one. I hope he doesn't feel like that all the time! How would I know?

            Oh, doesn't he see that's why he needs to marry someone? (Like me [knock on wood]?) If he's like that a lot, he needs… I don't know, something!

            I feel powerless sometimes. A lot of times. I'm a spectator in his life, on the spot but not involved. Why can't I change that? Why won't he let me change that?

            If you can give me any answers, diary, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Entry 9

            I need to learn to stop forcing things!

            Okay, I suppose I should explain. Sonic was out today when I went to his room. I cleaned it and did the usual stuff. I needed to go along with my own life, so I went out shopping.

            On my way back, I passed by the Marriott of Station Square. Now, I remembered that Sonic had some kind of arrangement with the owners where he could use their pool whenever he wanted to. On a hunch, I walked around to where I could see the pool.

            Sure enough, there he was! He was out there in a lounge chair near the diving board, laying back and letting the sun soak into his fur.

            I nearly dropped my groceries when I thought about what to do.

            I rushed back to my apartment, put away the stuff that would melt or rot, then hurried into my drawers. After several agonizing seconds I pulled a swimsuit, a nice blue two-piece. The blue color contrasted with my fur and would show off both where it was and where it wasn't.

            I changed in a flash and hurried back to the Marriott. He was still there. Only one tricky thing—the pool was for guests only. I had to get through the front office and over the pool fence in a hurry, without getting seen.

            Or I could do it the other way. I could walk in as if I owned the place. If I walked with enough confidence, who'd check me? They'd just assume I was supposed to be there.

            I had enough smarts to know I'd never pull it off. I would either burst into giggles or break down and start running. That'd get me caught for sure. I'm just not a very good liar.

            Running it was, then.

            I waited until all the clerks were occupied. Two or three even had their backs turned. Then, I went for it!

            I'm not nearly as fast as Sonic, but I can move when I want to. I was through the lobby in no time. I couldn't tell if anyone saw me, but I didn't hear anything.

            Out the rear doors, into the rear area… with a jump I got my hands on the top of the chain-link fence, pushed myself over, and did a neat three point landing.

            I hadn't counted on the lifeguard.

            He whistled at me the instant I landed. "No running!" was his instinctive first shout.

            I'd managed to land near Sonic. At the whistle, he jerked in my direction, then jumped from his lounge chair. "Amy!" he shouted.

            I couldn't resist. I giggled. "Yep," I said, happiness to see him filling me up.

            I didn't have time for more. The lifeguard was up to us. "Uh, miss, do you have a room in this hotel?"

            I couldn't very well lie. I hesitated a second (wishing Sonic would say something!) before smiling sweetly and saying, "No, I'm just here to see Sonic."

            The lifeguard turned to Sonic, as if expecting me to say something. Sonic looked like a kid trying to explain a bad grade to his parents. Every time he looked at me, he'd blush a little more and look back to the lifeguard, who was staring at him which made him uncomfortable, making him look back at…

            "Don't ask me!" were the words he left us with.

            "Miss," said the lifeguard, "if you don't have a room here, I'll have to ask you to leave."

            I let them escort me out. If Sonic wasn't there, what was the point?

            I walked back to my room, thinking about how flustered I'd made Sonic. I wasn't exactly sure why he'd reacted like that, but I had some good guesses. Most of those guesses were enough to make me smile.

            When I think about it, I feel… a little guilty. I mean, I did embarrass him enough for him to run away. But isn't that supposed to mean something?

            One thing was for sure: he wasn't 'down' the way he was on Wednesday. As long as he's not like that, I think I can deal with him.

            Well, I still felt guilty, so I decided to apologize to him. Now that I think about it, I probably should have waited until we both calmed down. And wasn't I still wearing my swimsuit? It didn't cross my mind.

            I walked to his door, knocked. He came to the door. I apologized for embarrassing him. I think he believed me. (Remember how I told you about forcing things? This is it.)

            I said to him, "I think the lifeguard was waiting for you to say something."

            "What?" he said, getting a little cautious.

            "Anything," I said, giggling. "I mean, you didn't do anything!"

            "Well, I suppose," he said.

            "You could have said, "It's okay", or, "She's with me"," I said, losing my good sense as my giggles grew.

            His discomfort grew at the same rate as my giggles. "Yeah, that would have worked," he said, trying to look away from me.

            I worked up my courage and said, casually as I could through my giggles, "Or you could have just kissed me."

            That did it. He gaped at me, mouth open like some fish, before slamming the door on me.

            Sigh…

            I blew it, didn't I, diary?

            I mean, sometimes I think I could have him kiss me if I would just stop trying to make him kiss me. But I don't know how to do that! I mean, if it was that easy, I would've already married him, right? Right.

            I hope Sonic grades on effort. I mean, he's gotta realize I'm trying with everything I've got. I'm just clumsy. Oh, when am I going to be able to keep my head around that… that… beloved hedgehog.

            Probably never.

            I hope Sonic grades on effort.

Entry 10

            I can't believe it! I had a date with Sonic where I managed not to go crazy!

            It was just dinner and conversation. The dinner was unimportant, but the company was great.

            I really had to work to get him to agree to another date. I embarrassed him more than I realized with my little pool stunt. Hopefully that's behind us now! I made an effort to keep my cool the whole time, and it paid off; he smiled a lot and seemed to enjoy himself.

            The conversation was about him, mostly. That's okay, I wanted to talk about him! I tried to work myself into the conversation (in an 'us' kinda way) but I didn't force it (I think).

            He gave me two big hugs at the end of the date. I tried to use body language to get him to kiss me, but I didn't force the issue when I saw he wouldn't. That was the theme of this date: me trying, but not pushing.

            See? Occasionally, when it's important enough, I can learn!

            Only one bad thing happened, and it was after the first hug. He told me he'd be out of town for a few days, running.

            I felt a bunch of things. I didn't want him to go, of course, but I was also scared. I didn't want to see him like… that… again.

[Doodles appear in margins, appear to be outstretched hands]

            I mean, he was so down after the last time he ran. I hope the two things aren't related. I can't imagine how sad I'd be if running made Sonic feel bad! I guess I just don't understand. Maybe it won't be like that.

            Well, anyway, I shouldn't think about that! I'm Amy Rose, bouncy flower and girlfriend of Sonic! Yeah, that's right! I shouldn't worry about him going running; I should plan how I'm going to greet him when he comes back!

            I think I'll kiss him.

Entry 11

            What could have happened to Sonic?

            He came back from running the other day. I waited a few hours—because I was scared, I guess. I didn't know what he'd be like. So I went to him afterwards.

            He seemed so… disappointed in me!

            I can't really explain it. The first words out of his mouth were, "Oh, it's only you." From there… well, I don't really remember. All I know was that he seemed dissatisfied about everything, like a cat who eats grass to keep from starving. I've never seen him so unhappy.

            What's making him like this? I can't stand it! I mean, even if he's unhappy, does he have to be mean to me? He's taking his frustration out on me, and I don't like it.

            I want to be there for him. I want to help him. But I don't even want to be near him when he's unhappy like that! I don't want to see Sonic unhappy, but I don't know what to do. All I can do is stay away; I'm too scared to do anything else. No, not like that, I'm not scared he'll hurt me or anything. Well, sort of; I'm afraid of hurting him worse, or getting depressed off of him. I mean, I look to Sonic because he's so confident and brave and cool and alive. To see him not like that would mean I've been wrong about him. Since I've spent so much time going after him, looking up to him, I don't want to be wrong!

            This is making me crazy! Why does Sonic act like this after running? Doesn't running make him happy? Oh, I wish I were smarter and could figure this out!

            I think (hope!) he still likes me, but when it's like this it's hard to tell.

Entry 12

            Whee! He's back to normal! And not just back to normal, but out for a date!

            I'll be the first one to say it's been rocky, Sonic and me. Duh! I'm not that stupid. Just the same, I'll take what I can get, especially where Sonic is concerned.

            I… I so want this to work. I wish I could tell you how I feel, diary, but it's too complicated. I feel earnest, I feel nervous, I want to make it work, I don't want to push it, I…

            Let's just say it means a lot to me.

            It's not just that I love Sonic. I want to do something with my love. Let's be honest: loving Sonic has made my life very complicated! And all he's done for six years is run away from me. Now that he's finally paying attention to me, I want to squeeze all the love from him that I can! I want it to fill me up for all the love I've poured forth. And sure, there's the whole thing about "the more I give, the more I have to give". But whenever I think about what it'd be like to finally hear "I love you" from Sonic's mouth… I just fall apart.

            It sounds obsessive, I know. But it's not too much to ask, is it? I deserve some love, too. I know I'm stupid and silly and annoying, but even I should be loved.

            That's all I really want. I know he's this big hero and everything. But no one cares about him more than me.

            Which is why I want this to work.

            Awww… And I can't even say "I'll make it work" because I don't want to force things!

            Never mind. I love Sonic. When I love him enough, he'll love me back. If that happens, we'll both be happy. That's the point, after all.

            Wish me luck!


	3. Part Three

WARNING: I strongly suggest that you read this chapter all at once. If you only read part of it, the story won't make any sense. Therefore, once you begin, please finish. It will be worth it.

Entry 13

[Light, lazy lines in margins]

I feel dreamy. I'm walking on air. I'm a faerie or a bubble, floating without care.

He kissed me.

Y'know what? The world is alright.

He kissed me.

I don't feel like I thought I would. I'd pictured this scene in my mind for years, but I never thought it'd be like this. I always thought I'd go berserk from happiness, that finally kissing him would give me the energy and strength of a dozen Amy Roses.

It's not like that at all.

I'm not bursting with joy or exploding into song. I'm not dancing or prancing my heart out. I probably will do all that later. For now, I feel warm and tingly in every part of me. It all starts at the lips and spreads everywhere, even the space between my toes.

He kissed me.

It wasn't hard and, for all the thinking about it I've done, it took almost no thought. We were just standing there awkwardly, not quite knowing how to say goodbye, when…

He kissed me.

Anyone can do it. It's not hard—you just put your lips together, then put them to the other person's. No great mystery. And it's not like fireworks go off in your body when it happens. Physically, it's no big deal. Your heart beats faster, you wanna stand on your tiptoes, your eyes shut, but that's about it. Kinda underwhelming, actually.

And for all of that, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

He kissed me.

What really makes kissing special isn't the physical part of it. It's not the kissing itself, but what the kissing means. Anyone can kiss anyone and it's not a big thing. Kissing matters most when you use it as the best way of saying "I love you". It's only later, long after the kiss, when you THINK about it, that the kiss is awesome. You think to yourself, "We kissed—that means it's real!" and "I've never done this with anyone before!" and "I don't wanna do this with anyone else!" and stuff like that. When you start thinking those things, the kiss gets wonderful.

Have you ever seen movies where the man and the woman go through, a bunch of stuff happens to them, and the only romance is when they kiss? Like the kiss is supposed to mean they've been in love the while time? And that's it? I hate that kind of movie. Okay, I didn't used to, but I do now.

Because a kiss is nothing without actual love behind it. Without love, a kiss is just a physical thing, and not a great physical thing, either.

With love, a kiss is the best thing in the world.

He kissed me.

The date? Oh, yeah, I suppose there was a date.

I don't remember.

He kissed me.

Entry 14

It's been almost a day since the date he kissed me on. I've come down a bit since then, and I didn't go dancing around in the park (like I thought I'd have to do). Instead, I spent the day thinking and listening to music and coming up with excuses to see Sonic. If I see him again, then we might…

A lot of time I spent trying to figure out what happened last night. I mean, I know the most important thing (that we kissed), but I wanna remember more. Like, did I kiss him, or did he kiss me (I swore that was the case), or did it just happen?

Don't laugh, it matters to me!

More than just the details, though, I wanna know how we got there. How'd we get to the point where we'd kiss? If I know that, maybe I can get it to happen again. I want to, more than anything else. I want to feel… like that again.

So strange, isn't it? I've spent a day puzzling over it and I still can't define it well. Kinda like that piece of meat you can't cut up no matter how much you chew. Okay, not like that. I just know I want it.

What's that? Hold on, diary, there's something at the door.

Oh my gosh, it's from Sonic! It's hard to make out… I love him to death, but he's got lousy handwriting… it says he'll meet me outside the apartment building at seven tonight!

This is great! Oh, I can't wait!

[small doodles, almost like springs, interspersed with hearts]

SonAmy4ever!

This is going better than I ever imagined! (And, between you and me, I imagined quite a bit, diary.) He kissed me last night, and now he's asking to see me again! Well, I won't disappoint him. I'm afraid I've got to disappoint you, diary, because I have more important things to worry about! What to wear, what to wear…

Entry 15

Aaaaugh!

I'm dead! Aaaaauuuuuugh!

I can't believe… I cant stand… I… aaauuuugh!

why did he… whys he… itwas goingsowell…

AUGH!

I'm dead, i must be dead! i made sonic my life, without sonic i have no life, sonic is out of my life so i have none so i must be dead IM DEAD!

[Furious scribbles]

Entry 16

[page splattered with tears]

I'm exhausted.

I've spent the past… hours? Days?... crying.

The images won't stop.

It's over! I… we… my dreams are broken! It's over!

[many tear-drops]

Sorry, I… lost it. I had to stop for a while to cool down a little.

Might as well get to the point.

He doesn't love me. He never has.

That's what he told me, and I had to believe him. That he doesn't… doesn't…

I know this is all broken. Choppy writing. Well, I'm broken. Like a stained glass window lying in pieces on the floor, snatches of story and pieces of images running through my head.

Oh, it hurts!  
I feel like part of me's been torn out, ripped out, left bloody and festering.

How did it come to this?!

I… I suppose I should… tell what happened. I owe you that much for listening to my ranting.

Sonic met me in the lobby like his invite said to. I was wearing one of my better dresses; he was just Sonic. I didn't mind. He led me out towards the coastline, walking on the beach. I couldn't think anything but how romantic it all was. He was walking ahead of me, two or three steps.

Oh, I should've known something was wrong! He hadn't looked me in the eye until he turned to me!

And it's obvious now that he brought me to the beach 'cause he knew I'd make… that I… wouldn't take it well.

I should've known… that SOMETHING was up! Oh, stupid girl! I…

Okay. I can go on.

So we were walking on the beach. He turned to me (NOW he looked me in the eyes) and said, "Amy, there's something I need to say."

And I, I, said to him, "What's that? Tell me!" I was so eager! He hesitated, and I thought it was because I'd made him scared, like I did at the pool. So I said, "Don't worry, it's okay."

No! It's not okay!  
Augh! This is so hard to write! I'm reliving it all!

No, stupid girl, don't stay there! Run! Run before… before he…

But I can't change it. It already happened. He said it.

Please don't, I'm just a stupid girl, don't…

Sonic, don't do this to me.

He squared his shoulders. "Amy, we've known each other for a while. I've thought about this for a long time, but even more since we've been dating."

"Go on," I said, trying to keep my excitement out of my voice. I was… tingling all over, waiting for him to say it. This is perverse! This can't be happening, how could… No, Amy, don't step in the trap, don't, please don't…

"I answered a few questions for myself the other night," he said. "It just got real clear to me."

At this point, I was… impatient! I was so wanting him to say that he loved me, that he needed me, and I knew he was trying not to say it. "Come out and say it," I told him. "Tell me how you feel."

And he looked me in the eyes, squared his shoulders, and said, "I don't love you."

I didn't hear him at first. I tried to glomp him, to jump him with a hug, because I'd heard him say he loved me. He dodged me, and that's what broke my trance. "What—why'd you…?" I said.

"I said I DON'T love you," he said indignantly.

I have no idea what I looked like, because at that point the world got dark and watery. Next thing I know I'm rolling on the sand, clawing at my eyes. I tried to rip off my ears, trying to get the words out of my head, desperate to un-hear them and return to how it was before, but no, it's too late, he said it and my life's over…

I don't know why he stayed there through it all, because when I finally stopped (because I couldn't breathe) he was standing there, watching me.

Through my tears, I used the little breath I could get to scream, "But... how? Why'd… why'd you date me… if you didn't?"

"I was trying to be fair," he said. Looking back, I can see he was fighting his shame, but every word was-is a dagger in my heart. "I'd promised you I would. Besides, I figured you deserved a chance. Maybe we would love each other."

"I love you!" I shouted, cried, loved.

"But I don't love you," he said, helplessly. "All those years I didn't, and I don't now."

"You kissed me!" I squeaked, losing my hopes one after another.

"And that was what really did it," he said (I hated-hate him for being so calm!). "I didn't feel anything then, Amy. Nothing. It wasn't me, it wasn't happening to me, that's how detached I felt. That's when I knew."

"How can…" breathing hurt, everything hurt, surviving hurt more than anything, "how can you… stand there… and tell me?! Tell me these?!"

"It's not easy," he said, looking away, "but… I had to. I couldn't hold out any longer. I'm sorry, Amy."

I suppose… I suppose it was hard for him to say it all. I guess it takes a lot of courage to crush a girl's dreams so completely. But I don't CARE! I don't care what he felt, it's how I felt that… was all I could… think about.

No, there wasn't any thinking. There's not much now.

Auuuuuugh… I'm moaning, just thinking about it. It huuurts so!

I can't write any more diary, I'm losing… I'm…

Entry 17

I can hardly move.

I have no motivation, no energy.

I'm hungry, but I don't have the strength to eat. I don't want to eat. This hurts too much. I want to not be.

I'm not brave enough for suicide, I know. I'm too tired to try. No. I want to stop existing.

Just slip away into nothing. No love. No pain. No dancing. No tiredness. No Sonic. No Amy. No no no.

Let it all go…

[One pen-mark slides down page, gradually fading out]

Entry 18

How could I have been so wrong?

All this time… couldn't I tell something was wrong?

It's so obvious, now! I'm such an idiot, he told me over and over again that he didn't love me, I just closed my ears and eyes and didn't see or listen. I was an ostrich trying to run with its head in the sand.

I was looking through you, diary, and I kept noticing how stupid I was! There were signs there, signs I could have seen if I'd looked honestly. Oh, I can't be that hard on myself, some of them weren't clear. But they were there. They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, my hindsight is 20/15.

Like the date after he stood me up. (Stood me up because I wasn't important!) He was really nice to me, and I didn't know why. When I thought about it, I came up with two explanations. First: Sonic loves me. Second: He was being nice to make up for standing me up. I know I said in my diary that I wasn't sure which, but I lied. I knew that he loved me. What an idiot!

I've wasted so much time on… what? A love that never existed! I'm eighteen years old and I've been chasing Sonic for six years now! That's a third of my life! And what happens? He never loved me!

Oh, what's the point? What can or should I do now? I mean, it's almost hard for me to grasp how stupid I was. I chased him for six years and never noticed he didn't love me… He had to tell me right out because I couldn't take the hint!

I let myself love someone who never gave me a loving thought in return. What a fool I was.

I know what despair is. Despair is a butterfly that sees a candle through a window. It spends hours, days, batting at the window, trying to get through. Then, right before it dies of starvation, someone opens the window. The butterfly finally gets where it thought it wanted to be—and dies a horrible death. That's despair.

Has my whole life been worthless? Have I mattered at all? What have I been doing all this time? I've lived my life in Sonic's orbit, but if he's the Sun I'm Pluto. What have I done outside of Sonic? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I've given up everything to chase after Sonic. I have no education, I have no job (cleaning Sonic's room, what a joke!), most of my things are souvenirs or reminders of Sonic. I can't stand to look at them now. Tails, Robotnik, that stupid Team Rose—I knew them only as much as they interacted with Sonic. I only dealt with Robotnik if Sonic was fighting him at the time. I only knew Tails if Sonic was hanging around Tails. Sonic himself never keeps very good friendships, and I ended up copying him as I followed him. Now that he's left, I'm alone in the nothing of my life.

I don't want to die. But I don't know how to live.

Entry 19

This will be the last entry in this diary.

I finally understand—about me, about Sonic, and about the fake 'us' I followed all this time.

And I finally understand that I deserve better than Sonic Hedgehog.

I remember talking about how I haven't grown all this time. Six years, and my life is almost the same as it was before. There are two reasons why, and they're so easy I laugh at myself for not getting them before.

The first is that I remained hung up on Sonic, not developing outside of him. But even like that, (here comes reason two) I would have grown a little if Sonic had grown himself.

Sonic hasn't changed.

He's running in place, like he's on a treadmill. Honestly, what's his life been like? He does nothing all day but sit around, go to pools, hang at parties or social stuff. What does he do there? Nothing. Talk a little, maybe. Enjoy himself. Be lazy.

Lazy? You bet he is. But that's a symptom, not a cause.

Sonic hasn't changed because he doesn't know what he wants.

The only time Sonic isn't lazy is when he's fighting Robotnik. Then again, he only fights Robotnik because he hates him—it's not like he's that good a person. He's just good enough to fight Robotnik.

But that's all that gives meaning to Sonic's life, so Sonic doesn't get rid of it.

I mean, I can think off the top of my head… Like when Mecha Sonic transformed himself into a giant flying robot, and Sonic beat him as Super Sonic. What happened? Sonic LET HIM GO.

Why? I mean, Mecha had just threatened the world, almost killed Sonic, and caused lots of damage to everything and everyone.

But if Sonic destroyed Mecha, what would Sonic do?

That's how Robotnik keeps getting chance after chance to make us miserable. Sonic doesn't finish him off, because what's Sonic going to do without him?

Sonic hasn't changed because he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know how to find it.

The only other thing Sonic does is run. Running makes him happy. When he runs, he feels alive! He feels like he has some meaning in the world; he's doing what he does best. It's a vindication of his existence.

What that really means is that he feels crappy whenever he's NOT running.

I know, firsthand. After he goes running, he just sits there, holding on to that feeling, trying to stretch it out. It's not quite that he feels awful not running. It's that everything is paler. Nothing is exciting. He misses the feeling of running, and he misses the purpose he feels while running. Nothing measures up to how he feels while running; everything is a disappointment.

Including me.

Isn't it amazing? I figured it out, after all this time. A girl as stupid as me was finally able to figure out Sonic. But it had to be this way. I had to have my heart broken before I could see it. I'd clouded my own vision all of this time; Sonic's actions, painful as they were, finally cleared my illusions.

Sonic won't grow. He won't change. He doesn't really want to, not badly enough. So long as he can run, he'll cling to that feeling. It's good enough for him that he'll hold onto it as long as he can, even if it means discarding me and everything else.

That's okay, y'know? I can deal with it now.

Because if he doesn't want me, then I don't have to follow him any more.

I'm the wrong person for him anyway, you know why? I can't change him. I'm not strong enough; I can't affect the Sonic-inside. I worship him too much. The way I work, I just get caught up in Sonic's charisma and beauty… and forget his flaws. If I tried to change him, I'd just get sucked into his orbit again.

This jolt of pain knocked me out of orbit.

I really should thank him. He's set me free.

I don't have a life outside of Sonic… yet. But think what that means! There's a world out there that (now) I can view through my own eyes, things I can see and judge as they relate to me (not Sonic), friendships I can make where I decide the terms.

There's a whole world out there that I'm seeing for the first time!

Somewhere out there, there's a person who doesn't feel very good about themselves. There's a person who needs to be worshipped, and (with someone else's support) can blossom into something really wonderful. That's the sort of person who'd most appreciate a Rose. I have my flaws, sure; I'm still a ditz and a pretty weak person. I get swept up in other people's feelings and forget things all the time.

But I have one gift I can give that's mine, and mine alone: copious amounts of unconditional love.

I'll find someone who can appreciate that gift. I will.

Thanks, Sonic, for all the memories. Thanks for everything you've taught me. It would never have worked between us, not as we are.

But I can grow now. There are things I can do and see and be only because you broke my heart.

Thank you.

And so I, Amy Rose, a little smarter, a little freer, a little stronger, a lot tougher, and a little wiser…

I go into the world.

[Future pages blank]

Disclaimer: Amy Rose and Sonic Hedgehog, along with all other characters and situations referenced, are copyrights of SEGA. This story is copyright Sam Durbin, a.k.a. Bryon Nightshade, and cannot be edited, reproduced, or profited from without permission.


	4. Afterword A Treatise

Afterword: This section is nonfiction intended primarily for those who do NOT know who Princess Sally is. Its purpose is to show just who this gal is, the basis of her relationship with Sonic, and why some fans continue to cling to her (and why, coincidentally, those same people tend to be unimpressed with Amy Rose).

This section is NOT intended for those who wish to flame pro- or con-; it is here for educational purposes only. I WILL remove reviews from those who abuse this chapter.

Sally originated in the Saturday morning cartoon "Sonic the Hedgehog" (known to fandom as SatAM) which aired in 1994-95. This show was surprisingly dark and mature and contained some hard emotional body-blows. It had some goofy stuff, to be sure, and some of the writers did believe they were doing a kids' show. Overall, though, it's a show that I'm still a fan of a decade after it ceased to air.

Princess Sally Acorn was the female lead on SatAM. She was the daughter of the ruling family; the kingdom she stood to inherit encompassed most of the world (Mobius). However, eleven years before the events of the series, Robotnik (NEVER referred to as Eggman; he was too menacing for that) betrayed his King and took over in a coup d'etat. Sonic, Sally, and a few others escaped to a secret village; other groups existed, but were rarely seen. Sonic and Sally formed the core of the "Freedom Fighters", dedicated to bringing Robotnik down.

Sally was a very smart heroine with a strong personality. She could hold her own against Sonic any day of the week and out-talked him often. She rarely got wrapped up in his charisma, sometimes disdaining him just to stay in practice. She was definitely smarter and more mature than he and made sure he knew it.

On the other hand, between her role as leader and her own personality, she often took things too personally. Any failure or any problem hit her very hard. She took responsibility very seriously, and it took a toll on her.

But that was part of why she and Sonic were such a good match. He had the energy and optimism to carry her through her self-doubt; she had the drive and vision to give him purpose. Seasoning this was the fact that she was a capable fighter and the two of them saved each others' tails on multiple occasions.

Sally had enough presence and strength of her own to stand up to Sonic. It was a case of two strong characters finding ways to complement each other as equal partners. She had brains and idealism and deflated his ego consistently. He made things happen, improvised well, and supported her when she was down. Most of all, she could give his life meaning whether they were fighting Robotnik or not.

Taken altogether, it's clear why many of those who still treasure SatAM and Sally are disappointed by Amy Rose. Sonic and Sally went through immense struggles and trials as they forged their relationship, and they did so together. Amy, on the other hand, gets Sonic because she's a hostage a lot? Sally earned Sonic's trust, respect, and love in the crucible of war; Amy earned his heart because… she's a hostage a lot?

Numerous authors have abused Sally in their fanfiction. These tend to be people who never saw SatAM and know very little about who Sally is. They know only that Sonic and Sally clash; they don't realize that the clashing is what produced the sparks. Consequently, they term Sally a "bitch" and ignore the fact that Sonic goaded her at least as much; it was part and parcel of their relationship.

Other authors use Sally as ways of getting Sonic into Amy's arms. This is infuriating for one simple reason: Sally and Amy are in different universes. One review I received for "Amy's Diary" put this in perspective: Bariyou [forgive me] advised that I bring Sally to that story in order to make things more tragic. I refuse. Sally is more than a plot device; she has as much identity as Sonic does or Knuckles does. If you take Sally out of her context, she loses a lot of her meaning, just like any other character. It's equivalent to giving Tails parents and making him an English major—it stops being Tails when you do that!

All I wish is for gratuitous Sally-bashing to cease. Sally is a wonderful character, more complex than Sonic and at least as compelling. I hate to see her hit so often by cheap shots from ratty authors. She deserves some love, too, and she shouldn't be used outside her natural environment.


End file.
